IUC Exclusive: IUC OUTS HILLARY CLINTON AS STRAIGHT
I know I have been outing a number of celebrities lately, and some of you may get the idea that I believe every prominent person in America is gay. (For the record, IUC’s definition of gay includes bisexuality as well as those who have dabbled in adventures with the same sex at some point).
But today for the first time, I have decided to out a public figure as straight. Ever since I started this blog, I have received numerous emails from people assuring me that a certain former First Lady is as queer as they come. And no it’s not Eleanor Roosevelt, whose special White House relationship with Lorena Hickok is the subject of a major forthcoming book by my old colleague, journalist/historian Max Wallace, who will document in fascinating detail not their well-documented lesbian affair, but how the cigar-smoking, tuxedo-wearing Hickok — who had her own bedroom in the White House – used her close “friendship” with Eleanor to majorly influence FDR’s New Deal and change the social fabric of America.
Instead, my investigation centers on the rumored sexuality of Eleanor’s modern-day incarnation, none other than Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. Unlike her predecessor Condoleezza Rice, whose barely disguised lesbian relationship with filmmaker Randy Bean has been common knowledge in Washington and Stanford for years, there is not a single piece of evidence that Hillary has ever been in any panties other than her own.
For months, I have attempted to track down some evidence that Hillary has Sapphic inclinations. She’s one of those figures that, like Tom Cruise, people just insist is gay, assuming that this is common knowledge and that anybody who assumes otherwise is either naive or stump dumb. When I started my investigation, I was one of those who assumed the stories were true. I even once reported on my conversation with a woman who claimed to be her ex-lover, which I have since concluded was a hoax.
But now, after an exhaustive search for clues, I have concluded that Hillary’s reputed lesbianism can be traced back to the same Republican dirty tricksters who planted the rumor that Bill Clinton had fathered a black child in Arkansas – a rumor which practically every Republican in the nation believed until a DNA test proved otherwise. Ironically, it appears that the same people who planted the Hillary is a lesbian rumor also planted the blatantly false canard linking her to the murder of former White House aide Vince Foster, with whom they insist she was having an affair. (During my investigation, in fact, I actually found more convincing evidence that she had an affair with Foster than I did of a same-sex dalliance, though the notion that she had him murdered is utter bollocks.)
In retrospect, my failure to find the smoking gun or even a trace of evidence is not surprising. Think about it. If Hillary were indeed gay, wouldn’t the forces of the vast right-wing conspiracy have dug up the evidence long ago and used it to discredit her or her husband? Come to think of it, the Obama campaign — populated by many former Clinton White House staffers who presumably know the truth — would have been happy to leak the same evidence at a time when Hillary was the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination last year. But nada. Not even a whisper.
But loyal IUC readers don’t despair. Today’s straight outing doesn’t mean I have turned over a new leaf. Plenty of closets still to open in coming weeks. Stay tuned.