IUC Fashion: Erin’s 2009 Celeb Forecast
The dawn of 2009 is fast approaching; John Doe books a motel for him and his lover one last time, Jane Smith buys her final assortment of Krispy Kremes and guilty citizens scurry to Staples to buy the store out of indelible ink. Currently, resolutions are among us – ‘I won’ts’ and ‘I promises’ and ‘I’ll quits’ hover thickly in the air like Los Angeles smog. But what about those people who are responsible for the livelihood of the City of Angels – not the bankers and developers, but the stars? Are they exempt from resolutions or do they have a few guilty secrets of their own?
What would Hollywood be without guilt and betrayal, cheating and beating, and drugs? The answer my friends is the yawn-worthy year of 2008.
Let’s begin with the usual suspects:
Amy Winehouse is cracked out, yes, but like the leaning tower of Pisa, no resolution is required, she’s never going to stand up straight.
Robert Downey Junior is clean and functional this year and his neighbours can even leave the windows open, he’s not going to crawl in.
Sean Penn – a man who in the mid 80’s hung a Paparazzo by his ankles from a ninth floor hotel balcony followed by domestic violent charges from then-wife Madonna is now a limp-wristed liberal playing a gay man and bowing at the Academy’s feet for an Oscar.
Michael Jackson – another balcony offender – is no longer dangling his infant from any hotel terrace, nor is he being accused of diddling that child, who is now presumably of the perfect age. Rather, pitiably he sits in a wheelchair with a disappearing face and a crinkled white glove.
Tom Cruise – having buried his homosexuality in the eggs of Katie Holmes and the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard believes wholeheartedly that he has nothing sinful to report.
Lindsay Lohan – went from coke-snorter to panty-sniffer as sinless as Ellen DeGeneres and has yet to make a full return back.
Angelina Jolie – at one time crazy enough to suck the blood out of manorexic, Billy-Bob Thornton and wear it around her neck, now only allows for milk sucking by the perpetually open- mouthed Shiloh.
Which Hollywood star needs to resolve to change in 2009, please tell me?
(IUC fashion correspondent Erin Hershberg)