IUC Fashion: This Season’s Winter Fashion is all about Cock Teasing
Winter – a season made distinguishable by a fat man in a red suit – cruelly places itself on the fashion spectrum in opposition to summer – that fantastically sultry time of year whose sole purpose is to put able-bodied women in bikinis to cool off. Summer is Scarlett Johansson in a sheer tank top, beadlets of sweat collecting above her swollen lips and within her heaving cleavage; it is Brooke Burke running down the beach, her swimsuit bottoms pinching up between her firm buttocks only to reveal the newly acquired – but still coveted in these melanoma-fearing times – tan lines. Winter is Rosie O’Donell on a bad day, Melissa Rivers in a parka, or Pink showing her cold-ass tits.
Whatever way you slice it, winter has always shown itself to have the least sex appeal of all the seasons combined. The apex of this frigid sexlessness culminated last year when the giant Snow Goose winter parka commonly accessorized by an ear-flap hat was the must-have of the season. The look was not pretty. No woman was walking about the streets, wearing just the parka, flaunting her naked, slender legs and topping off the ensemble with stilettos. Rather, in a pair of Sorel boots and puffy parka, J-Lo could pass for Horatio Sanz and Natalie Portman could easily be mistaken for Ricky Lake.
Thankfully, Lindsay Lohan – poor, poor Samantha – has given up on rug-munching and inspired the winter season to do the same. Rosie O, you can have your gender-bending ski mask and munch it too. But to the frosty fashionistas of the world grab your sex back and make it tingle with some fur, some feathers, a little leather and a curve-hugging coat. This year winter is all about women being women – that is, cock-teasing, smooth-legged, hips, ass, tits, lips, toes, fingers, eyes, hair (on the head) –women. So if you expected to put on a freshman-fifteen like Fergie has of late because you can hide away in a parka, you best head to yoga…ain’t nothing getting hid in this season’s bell-coats, cropped jackets, or pencil skirts.
(IUC Fashion Correspondent Erin Hershberg)
- 6 Comments
- Tags: Fergie, J-Lo, Pink, Scarlett Johansson
Whoa could you possibly be a woman hating gay man?
ReplySorels and parkas are good for the elements especially when you want to wear a sexy number around in snowy below 20 weather, get with the fashion theyve replaced uggs fyi.
Replyhow terribly disappointing to see that this tawdry piece of pretentious, redundant schlock was written by a woman. the romance-novelesque description of scarlett’s sweat mustache (that actually sounds really gross!) and “heaving cleavage” (how very poetic!) and brooke burk’s “buttocks” was vulgar and gratuitous, but wouldn’t be particularly offensive without the pathetic yet predictable descent into insulting less sexualized celebrities.
throwing rosie odonnell’s name into the mix is beyond cliche. only in a culture where women are so habitually objectified would a woman who doesn’t present herself as anything but a comedian and outspoken television personality be subject to such cruel and constant criticism. pink is an accomplished musician and songwriter; melissa rivers is a television host. i dont happen to be a fan of any of these three women, but i’m certainly not disgusted at the sight of them; they are just three celebrities. none of them are striving to be fashion icons or supermodels, and it’s ridiculous to judge them in this context, just like it would be ridiculous to coo the praises of sexy david beckham and then hatefully compare him to david letterman.
so aside from the wannabe-perez celeb-bashing, what is the statement that you are making about fashion? right: summer is a hot, naked heterosexual; winter is a fat, ugly lesbian. what a truly inspired perspective. if that was all you had to say, you should have abstained from elaborating, since the filler in this feeble blurb is vapid and absurd. bell coats are tent shaped and could hide a four-month baby-bump. you used the word “parka” five times. it’s not likely that you will get a sociological conscience and apply it to your underdeveloped writing, but at least acquire a little bit more fashion knowledge and a thesaurus, because this is sub-par on every level.
Replyhere here
Replythank you for some actualy insight my friend …
i tell ya these people have no sense in defining fashion
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