IUC Exclusive: Madonna convinces A-Rod to convert to Judaism so they can marry under the Huppa

Posted on October 20th, 2008 by HisHighness in IUC:Entertainment, IUC:Exclusive, IUC:Sports

Now that he’s becoming a Jew, will A-Rod play on Yom Kippur
Trivia Question: Who’s the most famous Jewish ball player of all time? If you said Rod Carew, Hank Greenberg or Kevin Youkilis you’re wrong. The correct answer, at least in a few weeks, will be none other than Alex Rodriguez. As they plan a life together, one of the conditions Madonna has imposed on the Yankees’ slugger is he must convert to Judaism. A-Rod is already engaged in the process, studying Hebrew and Jewish history with a well known Manhattan Rabbi for the past three months, according to a teammate and friend. “It’s definitely happening,” the Yankee teammate said. “He’ll be a Jew in the next month or so and then once their divorces are finalized he’ll marry Madonna. They’re deeply in love and are planning to be together forever.” Madonna wants to make sure everything is positioned properly so they can marry Valentine Day 2009 under a huppa in New York. Madonna, who practices Kaballah but never actually converted herself, is adament on marrying a Jew the next time she struts down the aisle, according to a close friend of hers. Developing…

  1. Fern LaPlante said on October 20th, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    I don’t think A’s Rod is kosher. Just sayin’.

  2. Sebastian Fort said on October 20th, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    Oh my God…don’t you love living in a time where people seek to have unions sanctified by God even though the relationship was born out of infidelity?

    I am sure this is keeping with the Torah and the Ten Commandments. Then again, I am wrong – I learned in prep school that “Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery” does have a section B. It goes: “Unless Thy Make Plans While Committing Adultery to Make Good With Whatever Religious Movement You Hath Joined so That You can Be Married in a Couture Dress Under a Chuppa or Before An Altar.”

    I stand corrected Madonna. Forgive me, go in peace and fidelity…hahahahaha!

  3. Ryan Murphy said on October 20th, 2008 at 3:40 pm

    It’s truly touching to hear that Madonna is planning to “be together forever” with A-Rod, just like she planned to be “be together forever” with Sean Penn, Warren Beattie, Jose Canseco, Dennis Rodman, Mark McGrath, Guy Ritchie and 38 of her backup dancers.

    On the positive side, the New York Yankees should be able to make a killing off of team-branded yarmulkes.

  4. Joshua A.D. said on October 20th, 2008 at 4:01 pm

    I don’t really consider this news. Weren’t we just discussing murder a few threads ago?…and now its Madonna turning another celebrity into a career opportunity because she knows father time is closing in? I mean, christ, did anyone see/hear her ne album. “Trying to hard” doesn’t really capture it, but I think this little dalliance with A-Rod (ugh, fuck celebrity nicknames) is just another vain attempt at salvaging her marketability. Modern pop culture sluts like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have long since usurped her throne.

    Ciao baby.

  5. Pamela Stewart said on October 20th, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    Although I believe she has attempted to castrate a few men, I don’t think she has ever circumcised one. If he is willing to lose his foreskin for her, it must be love.

  6. Jocelyn Ibarra* said on October 20th, 2008 at 8:16 pm

    Even though I adore Madonna, it’s hard to keep the love after the creepy Skeletor pictures and now this.

    By now I’m thinking that “forever” means “until next Rosh Hashanah”, you know, because you get to start over every year. Bless her and her modern Judaism rules!!

    I have no doubt that poor, handsome, gorgeous, and soon-to-be single Guy Ritchie is a bit relieved, I’m sure his next movie will prove us right. Or will it?

  7. JZ said on October 20th, 2008 at 9:51 pm

    Say what you will, but this promises to be the best Hora in history. L’Chayim!

  8. SWY said on October 21st, 2008 at 4:48 am

    Guy Ritchie was only married to Madonna for her stunning looks, her great acting skills and her caring heart. Sorry guys, forget about that last sentence, I was getting Madonna mixed up with Lassie. How shameful of me, ooh!

  9. John S. said on October 21st, 2008 at 10:30 am

    A few points I’d like to bring up.

    A–This is gross. She may be a befacelifted Skeletor nowadays, but she can do better. He’s kinda greazzy and looks like he’d grunt a lot instead of using words. Though I’m sure he’s lovely at the baseball thing, blah blah whatever.

    B–I am confused as to why she is “adamant” about marrying a Jew, as she adamantly denies being one every time she’s asked about it. That’s like me reading a couple of books on Buddhism, declining to convert, but then declaring myself Tibetan.

    C–I am hereby proposing the new celebrity couple portmanteau nomenclature of “Madriguez.”™

  10. Lizzie said on October 21st, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    Under a chuppa? So is this going to be her third wedding in full virginal white? A woman who declared that losing her virginity was a career move?

    Blech, she’s so loathsome. And Rodriguez is an idiot to consider tying himself to her legally, particularly as she’s dragging Ritchie’s previously good name through the mud the moment divorce is mentioned. What does that tell him about his ’soulmate’?

  11. Mark said on October 22nd, 2008 at 11:31 am

    I realize Madonna has dabbled with the other sex over the years, however isn’t this taking it a bit far by ditching Ritchie and hooking up with a post-op tranny? Just something to think about.

  12. Jonathan said on October 22nd, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    I think this is awesome news, mostly because I can’t wait for Adam Sandler’s Channukah song part three. They’re poor kids are gonna be so confused.

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