Shana Tova Umetukah – 5769 Should be the sexiest year ever in Jewish History

Posted on September 29th, 2008 by HisHighness in IUC:Entertainment, IUC:Sex

69 is the position this year for the Jewish New Year
IUC is instructing all married Jewish couples, young and old, to do the 69 position at least once this year. And, for the sake of art and posterity, video it, send it to me and I’ll post it on Youtube for free. Best video gets a free Kosher dinner at my Manhattan pad, with a live Klezmer band and never before seen sexy videos of Woody Allen making out with members of his family. I might even turn it into a book “Kosher 69 – Eating out Jewish Style”. IUC calls for this year to be the year of the Jewish Sexual Revolution. And we’ll be right there to cover it.

  1. José Orduña said on September 29th, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    According to some interpretations of Jewish law any act of ha-sh’cha’tat zerah, or destruction of the seed, is a big no-no. In fact it is such a big no-no that the origins of this law are rather extreme. See, there was this dude Onan whose dad was Judah and whose older brother was Er. And apparently this family had some kind of beef with God so God totally struck down Er. So Judah asked Onan to make it with Er’s widow so that the baby could be declared Er’s heir. Haha, Er’s heir. Anyway, Onan must have been like “Whoa, man I will totally make it with Er’s widow because she’s got that booty, but I don’t want no baby,” because he made it with the widow but totally pulled out and spilled his seed all over the floor, which must have pissed off the widow because who knows maybe she had some kind of shag carpet or something and it definitely pissed God off because God just up and struck Onan down. Now many Rabbinical scholars still argue about why Onan was offed, but many say it was because he spilled his seed. Whew, that was a mouthful which brings me to the issue of the mouthful as mentioned in the above post. There are many differing views on “Kosher Sex,” some are extremely liberal and basically allow anything that is pleasing and agreed upon between husband and wife and others can be a bit more restrictive. So, my advice to all you wonderful Jewish couples out there is to stick with the liberal interpretations and get to “know,” your partner; 69 the night away like Ian says, and when you email him your videos make sure to CC me because I’m his, um, his—video researcher viewer specialist. Good night and good luck.

    Reply
  2. Brady Sullivan said on September 29th, 2008 at 2:52 pm

    Do they have to 69 through a hole in a sheet?

    I’m glad that Ian has declared this the year of the Jewish 69. For too long the Jewish people have been wandering in the desert. Finally Ian has led them to the land of milk and honey. That’s right, I know my Torah.

    And as someone with a Jewish girlfriend: thanks Ian!

    Reply
  3. Sebastian Fort said on September 29th, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    As my alter ego is my Aunt, an octagenarian, transgendered Jewess named Sylvia Sadie Gouldfaurb (voted Manhattan’s worst decorator from the Ike to Nixon administrations. I will have to let her speak on this one. Here she is…

    Disgusting! I doubt a cock is kosher, number one! Number two, my God nice Jewish girls don’t do that, disgusting. Then again I have often wondered how Joy Behar ended up famous…but I digress! This is shameful and disgusting: year of the 69! You should be ashamed! But…I could tune into youtube to see them do it. Just for kicks!

    Reply
  4. aimee said on September 29th, 2008 at 8:01 pm

    Blaspheme! Heretic! E tu Ian? I for one, want desperately to be inscribed in the book of life, so you won’t catch me doing 69, 99 or any other scandalous acts of numerology. Know your Kabbalistic symbols and numerical combinations before diving in. See you at the Beverly Hilton services. Save your seed for Taschlit.

    Reply
  5. Devon Jackson said on September 30th, 2008 at 2:45 am

    I’m a little confused. By the picture, I kinda figured this was an update to the Becks and Posh story–about her wearing gloves and socks to bed. Given that the two frolickers in this “artist’s rendering” have their shoes on (both of them–not just her) and she’s still wearing her bonnet. She doesn’t appear to be wearing gloves, but only one hand is showing.
    Besides, there’s nothing particularly Judaistic in this picture either (no yarmulke, no Star of David anywhere nearby), which, again, sorta led me to believe that this was maybe a “source’s” conception, so to speak, of Posh and Beck’s putting gloves and socks to good use–or rather, a variation on the gloves and socks routine.
    And it kinda looks British–Victorian. Or at least Colonial, when we had all those Brits over here. Before Posh and Becks.

    Reply
  6. Brady Sullivan said on September 30th, 2008 at 5:04 am

    What’s wrong with the picture? It may not be filled with stereotypical Jewish accessories, but it gets the job done. Which may explain why my unleavened bread has risen.

    And they say matzo jokes aren’t funny!

    Reply
  7. Alicia Butler said on September 30th, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    Finally! Does anybody else realize how difficult it is to bag a Jewish man these days? Women from all over the country will be flocking to temples, crashing bah mitzvahs and hanging out in New York delis, only to hope 69 will lead to something more, and they too will be taken over by the magic that is the Jewish man’s true gift- and we’re not talking chutzpah, here ladies. That’s right, the baloney pony. Big and clean cut, it is the Jewish man’s gift to the world. And no need to kvetsh if a lady gets knocked up. If you were lucky enough to catch a Jewish doctor, either you’ll nick that problem in the bud, or you’ll be taken care of for the rest of your life. You’ll just have to deal with your new mother-in-law cursing you to the firey pits of hell for the next 20 years because her baby boy went and stuck his kislopish in a shikse. Good luck!

    Reply
  8. Alicia Butler said on September 30th, 2008 at 12:06 pm

    Does anybody else realize how difficult it is to bag a Jewish man these days? Women from all over the country will be flocking to temples, crashing bah mitzvahs and hanging out in New York delis, only to hope 69 will lead to something more, and they too will be taken over by the magic that is the Jewish man’s true gift- and we’re not talking chutzpah, here ladies. That’s right, the baloney pony. Big and clean cut, it is the Jewish man’s gift to the world. And no need to kvetsh if a lady gets knocked up. If you were lucky enough to catch a Jewish doctor, either you’ll nick that problem in the bud, or you’ll be taken care of for the rest of your life. You’ll just have to deal with your new mother-in-law cursing you to the firey pits of hell for the next 20 years because her baby boy went and stuck his kislopish in a shikse. Good luck!

    Reply
  9. Dawn said on September 30th, 2008 at 6:25 pm

    I find there are all too many gay Jewish men to really find a suitable mate. Luckily I settled for a goy. Oy!

    Reply
  10. HisHighness said on September 30th, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    69 is great

    Reply
  11. HisHighness said on September 30th, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    haha

    Reply
  12. HisHighness said on September 30th, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    previous coments from cavegirl not his highness

    Reply
  13. Ryan Murphy said on October 9th, 2008 at 3:31 pm

    Dear Lord, I think that might be my grandmother in that image. This is going to make Sunday night’s family dinner very awkward.

    Reply
  14. Madeline Barbara said on October 31st, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    I think it’s great. Although 69 isn’t my favorite position. Too much going on at the same time. I like to concentrate on one thing at a time. Although this sounds really like a kosher thing to do. Maybe they can have a Rabbi come in (pardon my pun) and make them both kosher. What could be better… kosher AND fun! Any orgasmic energy at this time is a great thing. This drawing won’t be in the kama sutra, but it is definitely interesting. Do we HAVE to be married? What about us Jewish women who aren’t married? Should we just go out and find a nice Jewish boy, get married, do a 69 and then get a divorce? What about just making the year 5769 the sexiest year in general? What’s a few goys in the mix? Keep in mind that Jesus was a Jew and the people that followed him (at least originally were Jews too). So Jew, Goy, potato, patawto… let’s all 69 this year!

    Reply
  15. RoyalHighness said on August 6th, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    So very interesting, so very interesting. Looking at the picture speaks enjoyment between a married couple. The tenderness of 69 is a burst of passion and sweet love making. Tasting each other with satisfaction, oh how truly sweet.

    Reply
  16. RoyalHighness said on August 6th, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    The picture makes you feel tender and warm to welcome the moment of pleasure with your husband or wife. I think it’s sweetly illustrated.

    Reply

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