Get your Sarah Palin Rape Kits

Posted on September 22nd, 2008 by HisHighness in Uncategorized

  1. Brady Sullivan said on September 22nd, 2008 at 10:59 pm

    To be fair to Palin, a rape kit in Wasilla, Alaska isn’t too pricey. It’s just a used tackle box with some cotton balls and a turkey baster in it. Oh and some moose jerkey. Moose solves almost every problem in Wasilla. Coincidentally, rape in Wasilla is usually referred to as “properly field dressing a moose.”

    Also, much like the infamous bridge to nowhere, Palin supported the government paying for rape kits before she was against it. Of course that’s when she though it was a kit containing duct tape, a boxcutter and a Nixon mask to help the rapist’s overhead costs. She was horrified to find out it was actually to help the police investigate thoroughly. If “troopergate” has taught us anything, it’s that Mrs. Palin hates her some thorough investigation.

  2. José Orduña said on September 23rd, 2008 at 10:29 am

    I think it’s a great idea, it saves the tax payers money. I think next we should charge people for calling the police and fire department and charge them even more if they need to perform some sort of rescue or detainment. Also, we should privatize air and charge a monthly “breathing,” cost; those who can’t afford it get shot from a helicopter by Sarah Palin and her pregnant daughter. And on a final note I think Sarah Palin would agree that rape is a really harsh word, couldn’t we call it “sudden love.” You know the way we call lies mistruths now.

  3. aimee said on September 23rd, 2008 at 11:22 am

    A thirteen year old Sarah Palin dusted the snow from her parker. She felt dirty, as if she was out on the plains in one of the square states and had a moment of brain fog and disorientation until she got back into her skin and knew exactly where she was. A man on a dog sled led by wolves snapped the reins and shouted: “Clean yourself up and git home!” The warm blood trickling down her legs felt suddenly cold. She reached into her pocket and found her sewing kit, from her Pro Life/ Home Life Economics class. She opened the kit to find a surgical scissor, needle, thread, a” wet one” wipe and a diagram of a naked girl spread eagle, upside down with a caption reading (best position to insure conception post rape and reseal the vagina). With the needle and thread another diagram showed a picture of the same girl in the same position sewing her perenium. Sarah cleaned and stitched herself back up. She then assumed the position until darkness fell (at 12:00 pm) when she walked home, her right hand in her parker pocket fingering a doll she had sewn in class that day. When her daughter was born, the man , then Governor of Alaska, told her to keep her trap shut and he would one day make her Mayor of Wasilla, where she would do great things for her state like stop the funding of museums and close the public library. Well, as in all fairy tales, her dream came true. She became Mayor, had regular romps in the snow banks with her mentor and married her high school sweetheart, a local tool and dye maker. Till this day, she still fingers her hand-made doll during times of duress when she has to make a decision. She has been known to carry a sewing kit and sew up holes in the doll’s crotch in closed door sessions at the State Capital. Her husband, knowing the child was not of his own scent, and feeling a natural rise in her presence, read the good book to her every night and when she was thirteen, quietly slipped his tool into her dye. Well, you know the rest. Hail Mary! Sarah’s a grandma! And, when recently asked about her lack of support for rape victims and their rape kits: She balked and shouted: “Rape Kits, we never had those in my day! ” We just brushed ourselves off, pulled ourselves up by our snowboots and headed home to heart and hearth. That’s the American way.”

  4. Brady Sullivan said on September 23rd, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Wow Aimee, I didn’t know people were cranking out the Sarah Palin rape fantasy fan-fiction already. Does Harry Potter make an appearance in the next one?

  5. aimee said on September 23rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    Well, Brady. I have to sleep on it.

  6. Brady Sullivan said on September 23rd, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    I’d just like to add that comedic genius Jon Glaser is the voice of the rape defender in this video, which makes it 10 times more awesome.

  7. Tinamarie11 said on September 23rd, 2008 at 9:37 pm

    Do a little research before you post something tacky like that, which is offensive to every woman. Not only because it is NOT ACCURATE, but because it’s outright, over the top, Palin smearing tactic.

    Here’s a quote from people ACTUALLY in Wasilla:

    Maria Comella, a McCain-Palin campaign spokeswoman, said Palin “does not believe, nor has she ever believed, that rape victims should have to pay for an evidence-gathering test.” To suggest otherwise, she said, is a “misrepresentation of her commitment to supporting victims and bringing violent criminals to justice.”

  8. Deep Dish said on September 23rd, 2008 at 9:44 pm

    How any woman could vote for McCain because of Palin is beyond my comprehension. Oh sure, those pro-lifers think she’s fabulous–that’s all they care about–have that baby, dammit, who cares if you were raped. The mind boggles. But any Democratic female who votes for McCain/Palin is no Democrat. Palin is the anti-Hillary–and making women pay for their own rape kits should give everyone great pause. Caribou Barbie is a very scary lady, folks. And don’t even get me started on her church and pastor.

  9. Brady Sullivan said on September 23rd, 2008 at 10:57 pm

    Except that Wasilla did object to legislation passed down in 2000, while Palin was mayor, requiring police forces to pay for rape kits across Alaska. She also fired the police chief and in his place put a new one that was not shy about his distaste for the new rape kit law because he felt it unfairly forced the police to provide more funds to cases involving rape. Has Palin stated that she believes rape victims should pay for their own rape kits? Not publicly. But her actions indicate that to be the case.

    So why don’t you do a little research next time instead of quoting the talking points from a campaign spokeswoman? “McCain campaign spokesperson” is just a wordier way of saying “liar” these days.

  10. Sebastian Fort said on September 24th, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    This video made one tragic mistake! We are in a rape-based economy, duh!. We are raped at the gas station (well not me b/c I can’t afford a car), we are raped by the administration giving tax breaks to businesses that send work overseas, we are raped by the War in Iraq, we are RAPED all the time!

    In fact every time I leave my house there is a very large man that grabs me and rapes me on the hood of his car. Some times – if I am walking the dog – he rapes poor Sugar too! My God…one night I came home and he had raped the hell out of my roommate! She thought about a rape kit but I reminded her that they are FREE in Philadelphia. But she didn’t! , As she is a Republican she just felt too guilty…wasting the tax payers money!

  11. Devon Jackson said on September 24th, 2008 at 6:36 pm

    OK, first off: kudos to Aimee for the fictionalized memoir of Palin’s seminal early-days experience that could be construed as forming her later political positions (so to speak); and more kudos to Sebastian, despite this being not funny, because, well, because I assume that with a first name like Sebastian, you’re a male, and to metaphorize rape in this way clues me into the fact that, being a man, you’ve never been raped, you’ve never been close to having been raped, nor do you have any idea what it’s like for a woman, for most women, period, in this society–in any society–to live amid the possibility that you might be raped someday. And no one would be there to make light of it, either. Still, Sugar getting raped as well, and your GOP neighbor–funny. Very wrong and entire tastelessly funny.
    And Brady has a good point in rebuttal to TinaMarie’s outrage over the lack of research on the part of the crew that put together this divinely skewering cartoon-video. (Well done to them, by the way.)
    One more thing: while we’re on the subject of rape–and a glib treatment of it–Palin no doubt exists in that same weird-logic universe as the guy who’s about to take over as president of South Africa. Two years ago, the 64-year-old Zuma (who has, I think, six wives already), was acquitted of raping the 31-year-old woman after he’d testified that “she had signaled her interest in sex earlier in the evening by wearing a skirt and sitting with her legs uncrossed as she faced him.” Even better, and more apropos to Palin’s “support” of women having to pay for their rape kits, Zuma a) did not use a condom, despite knowing that the woman was HIV-positive, b) showered afterward as a way to minimize his chances of contracting the virus, and then, c) offered to marry the woman after she accused him of rape (as that, he implied, was the right thing to do). And these are our future world leaders. Oi.


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